Visit To Newcastle

Re: The two things you asked me, Tidge:

Firstly: What was I praying, Sunday night?

I had just spent the whole weekend having a tour of your new life; an ‘open day’ view of Catie in Newcastle. OK, yes, it had it’s glossy aspect; I didn’t have to attend a lecture and do one of your assignments! Nevertheless, we had a taster of the places, the people, the number of things you do, and how often, hearing of the many mornings a week getting up early to go to prayer meetings, amongst other regular slots. It wasn’t hard to imagine the late noisy nights in hall, at the other end of the proverbial candle, as you gigglingly returned the broken table leg to it’s hiding place in the kitchen cupboard. We did muck in with cleaning up  ‘polystudent festidensis’  in the communal area! This experience admittedly being considerably more rewarding, on meeting some of your flatmates, than the Damien Hirst ‘installation’ we viewed earlier in the weekend.

So, by Sunday evening, I felt I’d built in my mind, a well illustrated resume of your first term and a half at university. It was impressive. I compared the wholesomeness of your student life with what mine had been at roughly the same time. There was no comparison. I had a quick ‘fast forward’ impression of both our lives, and of mine since, as obviously, I have a lot more years on record! Suddenly I recognised that I could ask for more potential to be fulfilled and released, in my life. It was the starkness of the contrast, having seen myself at 19 and then you. So I just wanted to have more readiness, higher expectations of myself and life, less worry that I was unworthy, inadequate, rubbish…more grace outworking, more reliance on Jesus and therefore resiliance. I was celebrating all that God has been able to pour into you and through you, all the life that has flowed and all the rhythm that has been swelling the glorious heartbeat of heaven. This probably sounds crazy to you but I don’t know how else to put it into words. I was celebrating and yet suddenly dissatisfied with what I believed to be consequences of my broken and confused eruption from a sense of powerlessness, being passive, having an ignorant acceptance of the inevitable to insecure, somewhat rejected but nevertheless independent existance. I had such a long way to go, didn’t I? And I am glad that God has brought me this far. Yet I believe there is still much more! Life is full and I am very blessed, but during that worship I suddenly wanted to live more! So I placed all that before the cross. The past is dealt with, no more tears over that, at all. What I put before the cross was my whole history as a context, as if it’s a sealed unit. My now also, and myself. ‘Take me all: I want transformation beyond what is humanly possible.’

I have filled out what I actually prayed because when sharing this with another, so much more qualification and explanations seems to need to be given.

As I said when I was summoned by Mark, we sang the line…”my life is in your hands”… I was all the while participating fully in the worship. So I knelt down, because it was like a compassionate..”OK, I hear you,” from the father.

And secondly: What was prophesied over me?

Mark saw an annointing on me, and said he had seen it from the beginning of the evening. He saw the word ‘Deborah’ over me. He saw that there is a ready warrior in me, and related the example of Deborah agreeing to lead the Israelites into battle when a man would not go. So Israel was delivered into the hands of a woman that day. He saw that the specific area that I would stand against was the occult. I would not be alone. He saw it was as if I was walking down a hill and witches and demons were fleeing, and I was surrounded by angels who would protect me. (Quoted about the angels who encamp around the righteous.)

When he said these things I was not too grateful! I didn’t really want to have to go any where near the occult! Such a ready warrior!!! However, I will let it sit in the scales of my spirit and let it be weighed before the Lord. He prayed that whatever was not of the Lord would be forgotten. I think the bit about being a warrior is probably true. I have a spirit that becomes indignant for the things of God, especially his people and especially if I think they are getting spiritual attack…so….

Then I heard from Jenny, (I am grateful that God gave Jenny sight of my broken and softer side). She saw me in God’s hands. (C:) His hands were cupped all around me. The picture became even softer than that. As if I was in a womb, so fully surrounded and in such a place of sanctuary and safety and protection. It speaks into my spirit of acceptance as a wanted child also. Very healing.

So these are your questions answered. I hope that I have explained well to you, especially the first bit, but I fear the first bit will get a bit lost in translation.


Luke 19.40

I am stone

I am grey stone

I am green grey stone

I am stone

White stone


I am black stone

I am white


Small grey



I am sharp young

I am tired

They are beach

And each voice is added as the waves crash

and roll

and suck back and tumble and tickle, roar and moan

against the breathing shoreline

eating it

feeding it

punishing and renewing it.

These voices, these stones, they sing psalms of bitter grief, or joy

Its their story.


Voice by voice

each aeon

by day, by night

Under waves,

between rainstorm

heavy drownings

and blanching sunlight.

I am smoothstone

stone is all.


and heat and terror


and boredom

tedium, sinking amnesia.

I am greenstone, white-veined


wrought me.

The earth’s indigestion

spewed me.

The adolescent sea

soothed me.

The political unrest

of allstones

has worn me, and borne me here.

Luke, 1940.

I am Luke.

Mrs Jones brought us here.

I never saw the sea before.

I miss Mum and Dad and Mrs Finnegan and Harry who lives up the street.

But George is here and I brought Grady, who smells of home.

His threadbare nose presses my cheek, soaks up my tears, helps me to sleep.

The beach is exciting and I need a stone for the top of my castle.


There is no Boy

No such place as Handpalm

Legend has it one

was skimmed across the waves within a wooden shell

The sea cracked it open and he was its kernel


All the oppressions of  our groaning, melting and crystallizing

have been without Boy.

If not Boy:

No stone.

Only shared silica and sulphur and agonies of rending,

Cleaving, pounding, breaking and rounding:

A ‘stone’ a  mere  pause in the melting.

Yet I am green.

Though we are blind,

I am seen.

Boy chooses me!

Warmed as I’m lifted,

I arrive in handpalm.

Now this sandcastle is my Hosannah!