Refocus a great deal!

If I picture that Jesus is standing between me and him, then every time he says something to put me down, I know Jesus is saying to me, “Are you giving him permission to do that to you?” And I am trying to say “No” but I can feel myself slipping all the same. And I need to really believe Jesus when he’s telling me, “If you won’t, then neither will I.” I have to want not to be torn up like rubbish and to believe also that Jesus doesn’t either. If my heart was a computer I would have this protection programmed into my hard drive!

I have hardly been able to talk to anyone since I was there, being shown the gritty, dirty ground where I get my face rubbed with his every comment and put down.

So I guess this is Jesus’s deal with me. I’d like to accept. I had said before-hand, “I take an oath with myself.” I’d said it out loud with my hand in the air like a stop sign! “I won’t let anything he says hurt me.  I forbid the words to enter my personal space.” But they did. I had virtually scrambled into the car to get away, in the end. I don’t want Mum to know. She deserves never to know. So I have to try to act normal or like I’m laughing. On the way home I couldn’t talk or cry. My chest ached and it wasn’t angina!  I went to sleep as an escape both nights since. ( A miracle for an insomniac!) But I woke still hounded by the rejection. Well, I don’t have any better deals to sign up to and I actually believe this one will be best in the long run. It takes such a big upfront payment though. Not to blame, not to imagine vengeful things I could have said…not to be natural.

So yes, Lord, please come and stand between him and me. I want to see you when I look at him and I want to hear you when he speaks. In return, I want him to see you when he looks at me and to hear you when I speak.

Done deal.

I will fail. Help me help me help me help me help me help me!

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3 thoughts on “Refocus a great deal!

  1. Oh Mam, I am so sorry. Thank you for writing this, made me cry, I actually already needed to cry because of other things but I’d sortof hardened myself. And then this broke the floodgates. I’m feeling ridiculously angry and upset. Relieved too though. I feel that heart ache with you, the physical chest constriction of emotional striving. I’m so fed up of not being in control of my emotions. Thank you for your honesty. I just want to say I understand, I love you, I’m sorry and, selfishly, I’m a little bit grateful that you feel like thios too, just because it makes me feel understood and less lonely. I’m so sorry though, because I’d never want you to feel that pain really. I miss you terribly. I love you more than life. xx

    • I really hope that the overall thing was helpful then…the deal has helped me not to feel that pain. I posted it because I realised that it could apply to anyone. It isn’t any good to harden yourself because God won’t allow his children to wear stone over their flesh hearts! He loves you too much for that. Thanks too for being real. I think we need to talk. xxxxxxxxx

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