Refocus a great deal!

If I picture that Jesus is standing between me and him, then every time he says something to put me down, I know Jesus is saying to me, “Are you giving him permission to do that to you?” And I am trying to say “No” but I can feel myself slipping all the same. And I need to really believe Jesus when he’s telling me, “If you won’t, then neither will I.” I have to want not to be torn up like rubbish and to believe also that Jesus doesn’t either. If my heart was a computer I would have this protection programmed into my hard drive!

I have hardly been able to talk to anyone since I was there, being shown the gritty, dirty ground where I get my face rubbed with his every comment and put down.

So I guess this is Jesus’s deal with me. I’d like to accept. I had said before-hand, “I take an oath with myself.” I’d said it out loud with my hand in the air like a stop sign! “I won’t let anything he says hurt me.  I forbid the words to enter my personal space.” But they did. I had virtually scrambled into the car to get away, in the end. I don’t want Mum to know. She deserves never to know. So I have to try to act normal or like I’m laughing. On the way home I couldn’t talk or cry. My chest ached and it wasn’t angina!  I went to sleep as an escape both nights since. ( A miracle for an insomniac!) But I woke still hounded by the rejection. Well, I don’t have any better deals to sign up to and I actually believe this one will be best in the long run. It takes such a big upfront payment though. Not to blame, not to imagine vengeful things I could have said…not to be natural.

So yes, Lord, please come and stand between him and me. I want to see you when I look at him and I want to hear you when he speaks. In return, I want him to see you when he looks at me and to hear you when I speak.

Done deal.

I will fail. Help me help me help me help me help me help me!


working for a ‘Christian’ care organisation

Thought I’d start keeping notes about how it is on the paper-chase face of health and social care.

Here’s an edited copy of an email I’ve just sent my brother.

Not so bad doing the certificate and the car is mended. I thought suspension had gone and it had. The wheel was almost falling off!

worked till 1.30am last night and started again 8 am after about 1 hr sleep.

any jobs in holiday break?…sounds like a holiday by comparison. Morale at work a bit of an all time low with management lashing everyone below them for overspending on budgets. I gave our manager a piece of my mind; he is getting it all from above, and we agreed they are stuck in a 1980s ivory tower where budget planning is concerned but he tugs his forelock and passes the pressure on down, as if the people we are supposed to care for will benefit from that! I told him we shouldn’t take it but actually make a calculation of the cost to staff all the work and routines and standards expected of us. It could be done. If we drop the standards we get Social Services and the inspectors kicking us but they’re the ones who won’t pay the funds they owe. We should show management they should be on the case of the local authorities who underfund not the 30p above min wagers flogging their guts out!
There is a modern translation of a  Bible saying from proverbs I memorised after my last scrape with Pxxxxxxxs:
‘The proof of a leader and his hidden strength is the extent to which he protects those who can put the least pressure on him!’ Proverbs 29, 14

I have  to work again till 9 tonight so need to press on.